In my career journey as a pastor, pastoral counselor, hospital and military chaplain, I often found myself in a helping role with people in crisis. My students often ask what brings most people to counseling. My answer is always, “relationship trauma.” This has been my experience, anyway. Most of my helping has been with people struggling to understand why someone they loved and trusted hurt, beat, abandoned, neglected or left them. Situations and circumstances will differ, of course, but the longing for human connectedness and the pain of being disconnected from those we have loved and cared for is a common theme among helping professionals.
Much psychological and sociological research has supported the notion that people heal best when in a relationship with a caring person, whether that be a friend, family member, or professional helper. Go figure – bad relationships with other people are what hurt us the most, and good relationships with other people are what heal us the most. So, how can one avoid the former and pursue the latter? Well, no one can, perfectly. Given the nature of human nature, that we must learn to grow out of our selfishness and egocentrism, no one will be immune to human suffering inflicted by self-centered human beings on one another. Each person has done more than their fair share of hurting other persons. Hopefully, each one can also learn how to become a wiser, stronger, more compassionate human being as well. Here are some steps to get us moving in the right direction.
Learn to Love Yourself
This may seem like a ridiculous place to begin given what I just wrote about human nature, however, I am not speaking of toddler or adolescent “love” here, but a mature self-love that is far from being self-absorbed. Rather, this love is a longing for what is best, which often will mean self-denial, particularly avoiding things that can entrap, addict, or enslave. It is learning how to love the best in yourself, and it is also the pursuit for what is good, right, and true in you. It is learning how to forgive yourself for your many sins, shortcomings, weaknesses and limitations. No relationship can survive; much less thrive, without a healthy dose of forgiveness. This is no less true in your relationship with yourself.
Learn to Love Others
If Erik Erikson is correct, one cannot love another unless he or she first learns to love themselves. Abraham Maslow also connected self-esteem with love and belongingness in his pyramid of human needs and strivings. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl also discovered that learning to love another person was a condition of living a meaningful life. If we begin simply with the definition of mature self-love stated earlier, perhaps we can also learn to love others similarly: seeking what is best for them, encouraging them to avoid what can do harm, forgiving them for their many mistakes.
Learn to Love God
Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, we also need to learn to love God. Scripture reminds us that “we love because He first loved us,” (I John 4:19) and that “God is love; whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” (I John 4: 16). I may seem to have this in reverse order, I know, but I wanted you to think about love a little differently today. However, this last challenge certainly completes what is often referred to as the great commandment of Jesus: “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). So, love God, love others, love yourself – yes, it is all there – given as THE way to live well. To love God is quite different from loving yourself and others. God IS what is good, right and true; God always knows what is best. God does not sin, so He has no need of our forgiveness. Nevertheless, most of us distrust God’s heart and intention for us at one time or another, mainly because God allows pain and suffering, both self-inflicted and other-inflicted. Without getting into any reasons why that may be so, let me simply encourage you to seek God again. He is the source of life and light and love. Learn to trust His heart, and His desires for your life. Be willing to follow where He is leading you. Go on the great adventure with Him rather than constantly seeking to live life completely on your own resources alone. Maybe this is part of what it means to learn to love God.
One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite writers, Frederick Buechner. I share it in closing with the hope that it will bless you as much as it has me. “Listen to your life; see it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it. For in the last analysis, all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” I wish you all the best as you continue your life journey! Love, and live well!
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